Men's Work: How to Stop the Violence That Tears Our Lives Apart
Men's Work: How to Stop the Violence That Tears Our Lives Apart
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Product Details:
Author:
Paul Kivel
Paperback:
320 pages
Publisher:
Ballantine Books
Publication Date:
March 01, 1995
Language:
English
ISBN:
0345471857
Package Length:
8.5 inches
Package Width:
5.5 inches
Package Height:
0.71 inches
Package Weight:
0.9 pounds
Average Customer Rating:
based on 6 reviews
Description:
In a world that thrives on aggression and physical force, male violence has become an all-too-frequent response to the frustrations and anxieties that fill men's lives. As a result, the lives of women and children have suffered dramatically, as society has come to tolerate their victimization.
Using the unique program at the Oakland Men's Project in California as a basis, Paul Kivel, one of its founding members, shares an extraordinary approach to stopping male violence. The key is understanding and evading the cultural forces that box men in and often reward them for violent behavior. Through exercises, thought-provoking questions, and intense self-examination, Men's Work helps men learn new rules and new roles in personal relationships and in the world at large.
Men's Work gives back to men the power and responsibility they need to unlearn the lessons of control and aggression. Going beyond the mythology of the current men's movement, this revolutionary work identifies and develops the social and political framework on which to place men's individual efforts to recover their humanity.
From the Paperback edition.
Customer Reviews:
Average Customer Review:
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dangerous implicationsSep 04, 2008 I have serious issues with this book. There is certainly insightfulness but Kivel makes dangerous assumptions about violent men. He states that male violence occurs because men sacrifice their own needs for others, and then feel resentful and unappreciated. That's a very nice, tidy explanation but it has many, many floors.
First of all, I sincerely doubt that men who batter and abuse their wives are also the kind of men to put anyone elses needs ahead of their own. A person who cares that much about people would not turn around and bash the very people they supposedly care about when they don't get their own way. Abusive men are experts at having their needs met, and implying that they should be even MORE self-indulgent is dangerous. It well accepted by professionals that a major problem with these men is that they are so incredibly selfish, and lack empathy for their victims. These two facts are not compatible with Kivels theory.
This theory also ignores the fact that it is the partners of the abusers who are always putting their own needs aside. If this theory had any truth, all the mothers of the world would stage a coup! His theory about male violence ignores everything that is accepted as truth about abusive men. What we must remember while reading this book is that Kivel is, by his own admission a (supposedly formerly) abusive man and everything he says is from that perspective. I wouldn't recommend this book for violent men at all, it gives them a lot of ammunition . . . and excuses.
The best example I can possibly think of is from the experience of a close friend of mine. She went out with her partner and he allowed her to listen to her favourite CD on the way, even though he didn't like it. Later, he wanted to discuss a difficult issue and she asked if they could talk about it later so they didn't ruin their evening. Once they came home, he verbally and then physically abused her. IN HIS MIND he had been a very generous, giving husband, and put her needs ahead of his. For a normal person, these were very minor things and did not give him license to abuse her. THIS is a perfect example of an abusive mans idea of 'putting others needs ahead of his'. He trumped up extreemly small events and use them as an excuse to beat his wife.
Basically, you need to have a critical eye while you read this book, and be very selective about what you take on board. I wouldn't recommend this book for abusive or violent men at all, it would do more harm than good.
1 of 1 found the following review helpful:
GR8 BookFeb 08, 2008 This is a great bookto understand men and where ethey come from but not to excuse their behavior.
2 of 8 found the following review helpful:
Useful but dangerously limitedMay 24, 2006 Kivel's book provides useful examples of what to do in practice to reduce the drivers for domestic violence. The fictionalised role-plays also provide practical descriptions of how violent interactions can develop - although unfortunately the triggers in many of the role-plays are so unrealistic as to lose most of their credibility.
The catch is that, like most books of this type, Kivel makes the entirely unfounded assumption that all violence in the home is caused by males - which renders it almost worse-than-useless for dealing with the full complexity of domestic violence. (I've worked mainly in resolving lesbian violence - in reality, by far the most violent class of relationship rather than the least.) Ironically, Kivel illustrates this himself, in that the only example of real (as opposed to fictionalised) violence described in the whole book is between two girls in a classroom, who come to blows when one insults the other in front of the class.
Read it - it's useful - but strip out all of his sexism and male-blame before trying to put it into practice in any real-world context.
9 of 9 found the following review helpful:
Insightful Feb 18, 2005 Any man willing to take a true inward look will benefit from reading this book. As Kivel points out, this is really our work to do as men - to take a look at what makes us prove our worth by posturing ourselves and emphasizing our power over others. This isn't easy because the priveledge that comes with power is so latent in what we do, we have to really listen to ourselves as well as the women in our lives and these simply aren't things that men are typically socialized to do. If more men would stop being defensive when women or allies of women call men on their sexism or appeal to their humanity and would begin to address how we perpetuate male dominance, we would not only live in a much less violent and tolerant society, but I think we would find that men would be much happier as a result of having better relationships in their lives.
5 of 36 found the following review helpful:
Garbage!Oct 06, 2003 Kivel's theories are total nonsense. He draws parallels between all manners of normal masculine behavior and the topic of violence. "Have you ever stared at a woman's breasts while talking to her?" He asks. "Have you ever worked out to make yourself look tougher?" He asks. Is this supposed to make us feel guilty about being men? How do these things make us "violent." This book advocates the feminist-inspired psychological castration of men. I have a few questions. Women: Have you ever looked at a man's pec's? Have you ever tried to look prettier in order to impress a richer man?
This book is a pro-feminist piece of garbage. I was forced to read this book in college and it is as inflamatory as it is inaccurate.
based on 6 reviews
